5 Things to Tell your Mum about your New House
Student houses offer a unique way of living, and students are usually pretty happy to put up with the many idiosyncratic nuances that seem to plague student housing. The curtain that acts as a door for your bedroom, the hole in the toilet wall that’ll be fixed ‘very soon’ (according to your landlord) and the washer-dryer that neither washes nor dries – these are all quintessential aspects of student living.
Parents, on the other hand, are not quite so forgiving over such issues. My mum gets upset over the absorbency of towels, so telling her that your room doesn’t have a door is about as well thought out as weeing on her flowerbed. Finding a house is one thing, describing it to your mum is another. Here are 5 things to tell your mum about your new house:
It’s well Insulated and Heated, Mum
Insulation is very important to mums, who seem to value a warm, dry home over other more important factors, like the quality of the local takeaways and the size of the living room for house parties. Frankly, getting a well-insulated house isn’t always possible for students in some areas, particular in northern towns and cities dominated by old terraced housing. This rational logic won’t work on mums though; so in this case, skip by the insulation questions by telling your mum about the radiators, which seem to be very new, and the boiler, which was only replaced 2 years ago! And that’s the end of that chapter.
I Asked the Landlord about That…
Mothers are obsessed by the little details, while you may be happy to overlook the lack of a bathroom door (well, maybe not but roll with me here, alright?) your mum will get het up over a flimsy looking shower curtain. The best way to get around the deluge of questions over the seemingly irrelevant minutiae is with a simple answer, “I asked the landlord about that.” This sentence shows that you are both responsible, and have developed a strong relationship with your landlord, meaning your mum can sleep safely at night knowing that you don’t have any issues in hand. Telling her the truth, that you have never met the landlord, because they live in Dubai 9 months of the year is probably best kept under wraps.
The Mattress is Brand New! Just for Me!
Mattresses were the bane of my existence as an undergrad, mainly because my mum fretted and obsessed over them, as if mattresses looking slightly worn and stained was an evil only matched by mass genocide. If your mum recoils over an old mattress don’t brush it off by saying that you’ll ‘chuck a sheet over it’ because that’s stupid (trust me). Instead say that you’ve spoken to the landlord and they’re providing you with a new one. If you choose not to follow this simple advice, your mum might end up calling the landlord and demanding a new mattress for you, and then your landlord might make sneering comments to you about your ‘battle axe of a mother’ every time you see them. Not that it happened to me, of course…
The Area Seems Nice
Student houses tend to be located in cheaper areas, and cheaper areas can often be a bit rough – it’s not like you’re going to get stabbed on your way home from uni, but telling your mum about the suspicious late night ‘ice cream van’ is probably not the best idea you’ve ever had. Talk about the positives of the area instead – that patch of empty grass at the end of your street is ‘a nice little park’, or the grotty bar on the corner can be ‘a quaint local pub’. If you’re really struggling try inventing a lovely elderly neighbour who you were chatting to earlier that day. If you can’t even do that, then maybe your mum is right, and you’ve moved into a really awful area. Shame on you.
I’m Settling in Really Well!
This one is for a bit later on, once you’ve actually moved in and your mum has realized everything you claimed about the house originally was total rubbish. Once your mum departs after moving you in, 50% sad about letting her baby bird leave the nest, and 50% annoyed about the flagrant lies you told her, you’ll need to get back into her good books. When the inevitable phone call comes later and the question ‘How are you settling in?’ is asked, you may want to skip past the truth that you’ve been eating cold breakfast kebabs and shouting at your housemates (who are already annoying you after mere hours of living together). Instead thank her for the extensive collection of towels, and say ‘I’m settling in really well! Thanks Mum!’
